Women Who ‘Dated’ Older Men As Teenagers Share When They Realized The Men Were Predators

“Fast-forward to a few weeks later, his wife, who I never knew about, contacted me and told me to leave her husband alone. I was mortified. He tried to mess around with me some more, but him being married seemed like the icing on the this is messed up cake.
Again, guys at my school saw me as the quiet nerd, so if you don’t think your quiet, studious daughter could fall prey to something like this, think again.”
—Anonymous, Pennsylvania
“We would talk on Instagram when it wasn’t summer and I wasn’t at camp. He made me feel so special. I didn’t even apply anywhere else for college. At college, he said there was an unspoken rule that staff don’t date freshmen. I believed him and waited on him.
I would do anything just to be with him, so I did what he said and never told my friends or anyone else that I was meeting him. I was 21 and he was 28 when the professor spotted us. At that point, he was promising we’d get married when I was done with school. I was broken-hearted. I’d spent so many years waiting on this guy and doing everything he said — missing out on normal experiences for someone my age all for me to have to act like it never happened.
That was almost 10 years ago, and it has affected my dating life in major ways. It’s a big reason why I completely reject the church now.”
—emileem3
“Looking back now, that is SO creepy. My cousin had every right to be worried. Why could they not take college-aged girls on dates?Moreover, a lot of the boys in my class did the same to freshman girls when we were seniors. It seems like they learned from the men before them. So sad.”
—Anonymous, Massachusetts
“Neither he nor any of his friends had anything in common with me. I felt so insecure because they were actual adults, and I wasn’t even old enough to go to a bar.”
—lindsayb4bf85de3d
“We saw each other for six months, and I eventually learned that he was married and had a kid my age.”
—marthamtzmedina
“Immediately, I felt uncomfortable and saw that this 28-year-old man was just acting on a sick fantasy to be with someone young and a virgin, and that was all that mattered to him.
His pressuring me to have relations felt like rape. I kept going back and forth in my mind over whether I should have, or whether I did the right thing by cutting all contact — which was quite hard since he was my nephew’s uncle.
I have a daughter now, and I want to teach her that this is not OK, nor is it a sort of badge of womanhood to grab the attention of a man in your teenage years.” —Anonymous, Massachusetts
“There were no policies around dating at my work. Ultimately, I ended up staying overseas for nearly a decade. He still drunk-dials me once a year and leaves a voicemail about how delightful he found the times he sexually assaulted me. (He’s blocked, and, yes, I’ve changed numbers, but that piece of s#$% is crafty.)
At the time, the age difference didn’t seem like a big deal. But now that I’m older, I look back and think, ‘What kind of degenerate, emotionally stunted creep…?!’ Even if it’s legal, it is NOT OK!”
—Anonymous, California
“He was controlling and dictated when I could be out of the house, how much money I had access to, and who he approved of me spending time with. He never hit me, but he preyed on my insecurities and shame to control me.
It’s taken years of therapy and working on myself to understand that I was abused, but I’ve gotten help and support and am finally beginning to heal. I really wish my parents had intervened and stopped me from being with him. I moved in with him before I graduated from high school, and I feel like I wasted all my youth in this miserable marriage.”
—Anonymous, Missouri
“He also confessed that he was actually married and had an elementary school-aged son.”
—Anonymous, Texas
“We never went anywhere. It was purely a physical relationship, or we’d hang with some of his friends in their basements.
I broke up with him after about three months, and his mom reached out to me multiple times, offering to take me out to lunch to talk about getting back together with her son.”
—cheezesamwich
“He cut me off from family and friends. Again, he’d use their immaturity as a reason to get rid of them — despite him being just as, if not more, immature. He would apologize after being abusive, prey on my emotions, and pretend to cry only to carry on the abuse as soon as the dust had settled.
I finally got out, but it took me until my twenties — when he was nearing 40 — to realize how much of a hold he had over me, how he had groomed me for this when I was too young to understand what I was getting into, and how bad this was.”
—Anonymous, United Kingdom
“Years later, his brother was arrested for pedophilia. This guy was hardly better. He just kept his fantasies to himself, waited until I was legal, and took advantage of me. I’ve been dealing with the fallout ever since.”
—Anonymous, USA
“Now, I relate much more to his friends. If one of my friends (I’m 27 now) was dating an 18-year-old, I would be very uncomfortable with that friend bringing their partner to parties I’m hosting. Massive red flag.”
—Anonymous, California
“Over the past 20 years, we never ‘dated’ officially, although I did have sex with him when I was 25. I’ve ruined many relationships in an attempt to be with him, and I’ve hurt a lot of people because of him. I finally cut ties with him in October 2019.
In a way, I was under his control for most of my young adult life because I was never able to let go of that relationship. The relationships and bonds you make when you’re that young really do stay with you, so it’s important to make sure you are forming bonds with the appropriate people.”
—Anonymous, New York
“Seriously WTF?!”
—Anonymous, Ohio
“Even years later, when I would run into him, he would tell me that no one left him and he would have me again. Creep.”
—Anonymous, Pennsylvania
“He would know how to gain our trust in a new situation to make us feel comfortable and included. I still find myself thinking back on what a creep this guy was and how wrong this was for someone that much older to prey on their younger staff.”
—Anonymous, Illinois
“He never wanted more than sex, and, for some reason, I had enough insight that I wanted ‘more,’ and we stopped seeing each other.”
—seraeke
“She cared enough about me to help me. I hadn’t had sex with him, but I would have if it had gone on any longer because he was coercing and grooming me. He would’ve been the first man I had sex with too.
Sherri, wherever you are now, I thank you very much.”
—kmlw71
“My mother is a saint for so many reasons, but she saved my life that day.”
—Anonymous, Pennsylvania
“During that relationship he stole my car, pressured me into coming back from my long-anticipated Europe trip early, and stole thousands of dollars from me.” —Anonymous, Manitoba, Canada
“Needless to say, I was hurt and ended up losing my virginity to some guy in a bar a little less than a year later just to get it over with.”
—Anonymous, New Jersey
“At first, it was a secret, something just for us. We were so intense; we were so complicated. Other people wouldn’t understand. He was my world. He made me feel loved and understood and that no one else could love or understand me the way he did. He was the best friend I would ever have, the greatest love I would ever know.
He cheated on me the whole time. How dare I complain since he never promised me a normal relationship? So I stayed.”
—melmisstornadon
“He had seven kids, the oldest of which was older than me. He also cheated with other women and told me about it. He continued harassing me until I told my mom everything, and she and my brother confronted him as he followed me around a grocery store calling my name.
After it was over, he still threatened me and tried to sexually harass me for years, visiting and circling my store up to four times a day looking for me. I would die of anxiety every time and hide in the storage rooms. The managers had to blacklist him.
I hated myself for so long for what I did, but now, as a 25-year-old woman, I recognize he was a predatory asshole.” —selene3g9
“While his ‘grabbiness’ was never enough to be considered assault, as a 14-year-old, it was enough to constantly skew my perception of things.”
—marissaa4ce2b3666
“A year into college, my brother told me his daughter had dropped a gift off for me. Later, she admitted it was from her dad and wanted an explanation. Ten years on, it still scares me when men are ‘too’ friendly or helpful.
And to address it: My relationship with my dad is very supportive. My mother invested a lot of time in telling me I was unattractive and not very smart. Besides all this, my family doesn’t really believe in sharing emotions or personal issues with other people, so he kind of checked all the boxes at the time. I was never attracted to him; he just (ironically) made me feel hopeful at the time. I promise to everyone here: You weren’t stupid, and it may be difficult, but you will learn grace for your teenage self.”
—mallmoth
“Clearly, they didn’t understand how mature I was, and slamming my bedroom door while blaring ‘You Oughta Know’ was the way to prove my maturity.
At 34, I frequently remind my parents of this fact and thank them for not letting me date the creep!”
—ashleyp459897ecc
“He wasn’t physically or verbally abusive, he wasn’t unfaithful, we rarely argued, and he did work hard and pay all the bills the entire time we were together. His family also welcomed me, nurtured me, and supported me lovingly while I was there.
I finally told him I wasn’t happy, the split was amicable, and I moved back to Florida with my family within a week.”
—skirkwood88
“That summer I turned 18, our catch-up had begun by chatting about how I was going to college near where he lived. He talked about how I might visit him and his family if I had the time.
He eventually went back to his family and had his wife break up with me over text for him. He is disgusting to me today.”
—flowerpower5335
“I felt like as a grown woman, I should be able to say no, and if I couldn’t, then I didn’t have any business in these relationships. I’m trying to forgive myself, but it’s humiliating. I’ve never heard of an age gap that extreme.”
—sleepingclaire
“When I confronted him about getting fired, he played dumb and pretended like he had nothing to do with it.”
—megana4a765863c
“He was my first; I fell ‘in love.’ His longtime girlfriend started calling me about four months in. She would cuss me out and scream at me to leave her man alone, but I couldn’t.
Finally, one night at a party, my best guy friend walked in on us and figured out what had been going. It just ended after that. I honestly didn’t think anything was wrong with the situation until I was in a group therapy session for sexual assault survivors. I still haven’t fully processed everything about it, but it definitely changed me.”
—ryannelyse12
“I only had my mom, who worked all the time, because my father died when I was 9. I look back on it all now at 35 — how many years I wasted pining for him, how he indulged me, and how he encouraged the attention. I felt so special that he was paying attention to me.”
—sarahg139
“I was naive about sex still, despite having had boyfriends in the past, and was going through a hard time at home. The ‘flirtatious’ (but actually extremely sexual) DMs kept up until I casually mentioned how I had mentioned him to my sister. He freaked out and responded, ‘You’re my student, and you’re very young. You have parents. Your sister could tell your parents.’
Then he started acting as if he had not spent every day after class flirting with me and like he had never said extremely sexual things to me over AIM. Of course, I thought I had done something very wrong, and it sent me into a spiral of depression.
Now that I’m in my thirties, I realize that my depression at that time was not due to ‘rejection’ but being sexualized by an authority figure that I had looked up to. I was also a very young-looking 18-year-old. I know that if he did it to me, he likely did it to other girls, and I can only hope that one of them had the strength I lacked to speak up and get him in trouble.”
—jessicaf22
“After four years, I realized I was more mature than he was at 43 and that he was actually very insecure. I was so young and dumb. At that point, I still didn’t break things off. The biggest favor he ever did for me was cheating on me with a former student of his.”
—carolineb465318e8e
“Last I heard, he was pissing off families and parents with the comments he was making to their underage daughters as their teacher. I’m 32 and see him now for what he is — wish I knew back then.”
—mariyam48a3e9fc0
“One day, after two years of that shit, I literally woke up and was like, ‘What the fuck am I doing?’ I packed up what I had of his and dropped it on his doorstep while he stood there like a blubbering mess.
I haven’t spoken a word to him since. He began grooming a 16-year-old a few months later.”
—meanbeans
“We would constantly have a huge fight, ‘break up,’ get back together, and it would be great for about two weeks before it would start over — just a horrible toxic cycle.
Now that I’m in my thirties, I realize that he was a classic narcissist. While I don’t want to say he was a ‘predator’ since I was 18 when we met, he did befriend me and sweet talk me for two years — then as soon as I turned 20, it was like it was OK for him to ask me out because I wasn’t technically a teen anymore.
He has nothing to do with his son, and last I heard, he’s married to someone who is 20 years younger than him. It all turned out for the best because I married a man who is so good to me and my son. My husband will be adopting him next month, and I can put all those bad memories behind me.”
—gprice41721
“I knew him from high school. I was still in high school, but he had graduated and was attending college at that point. Yikes.”
—mfkattt